The Standing Committee on Fisheries and Oceans has been convened to deal with an urgent dilemma: the appearance of small, red fish, seemingly made of candy, in the Bay of Fundy. This invasive species has been rapidly multiplying and now represents a clear and present danger to Canadian wildlife and the environment.
The following is taken from the (formerly classified) briefing on the issue that was provided to Committee members.
"In Spring 2017, HMCS Boaty McBoatface II returned to Canadian waters from a trading trip to the nation of Scandalnavia. Unbeknownst to crew, company, and Canadian officials, Boaty returned loaded up not only with recently traded goods, but with a hull filled with Swedish Fish.
These small, jelly-like candy fish quickly entered into Canadian waters and began to rapidly reproduce and spread all the way across Canada, from sea to sea to sea. Now, other Canadian aquatic life has begun to struggle as it competes against the highly aggressive species. Even more tragically, Canada’s bears, once a pride and joy of the nation, have begun to rapidly develop diabetes as a result of their new diet.
Its clear at this point that something needs to be done. What is not clear, yet, is what.
That is where you, the Committee, come in. Your nation needs your help. The task of the Committee is to determine how to deal with this problem. Is it the goal to find a way to exterminate this invasive species? Is it better to instead build a new industry around it? What can be done for the poor diabetic bears? The fate of Canada rests in your hands."
Primary concerns for the committee were as follows:
- The Environment: Canadian rivers and lakes now run red from the run-off of millions of Swedish Fish. Tap water in major cities has a sickly sweet cherry odor, and showers are a sticky mess that makes them practically impossible. Even if all the Swedish Fish are exterminated, it will still be a massive undertaking to clean our waterways. How do we go about this?
- Canada’s Reputation: This could make for some cringe-worthy international headlines. Under NO circumstances can other countries find out about this massive blunder. Canada already gets made fun of enough at all the big Summits for our woefully-incompetent Governments. It is essential that we keep this whole thing a big secret.
- Finding Someone Responsible: Whose fault is this? If you can’t find someone to blame, this one is going to come back to the Government. Whether you conduct a thorough investigation or just name a convenient scapegoat, make sure you protect the Government’s reputation above all else.