Overview[]
The Standing Committee on Natural Resources held emergency sessions to address a pipeline spill in Northern Ontario. The Committee needed to move quickly and submit a report to the House of Commons outlining its recommendations.
Background[]
The following is taken from the formerly classified briefing on the issue provided to Committee members.
"The Keystone Light™ Pipeline was an infrastructure project proposed by the CASE Government of MP 15. After the bill was defeated in the House, CASE Party Leader Rt-Hon. Taylor Brown told media that he would be back in “patio season” to try and pass the legislation again. True to his word, Mr. Brown returned that summer with 19 loyal supporters to clandestinely push the bill through. While most MPs were back in their ridings on summer recess, Mr. Brown called for a special reading of the bill and passed C-24 with the minimum number of votes required under the Constitution.
Several weeks later, when construction on the pipeline began and MPs realized what had happened, Mr. Brown and his inner circle of supporters were viciously criticized for exploiting the Parliamentary system. This criticism soon turned to support, however, when MPs finally got a taste of “The Pipeline Beer with the Bottle Taste.” All parties could agree that while Brown’s actions were distasteful and opportunistic, nothing beats a cold pint of Keystone.
Public reception was also initially quite positive, and to be perfectly honest no one remembers much from the rest of the year. The latter part of 2015 is generally referred to by most scholars as “The Great Canadian Blackout.” But as the nation woke from its stupor in 2016, the pipeline became more controversial. Small spills started to be reported with increasing regularity, with the most recent occurring in Manitoba as per The National Roast. Keystone employees, most notably in their child labour division, were accused of neglecting key safety regulations and not allowing federal inspectors into their facilities. These concerns were not addressed by the pro-business INC and wholly incompetent BASIC governments of MP 16, and the pipeline has survived, unaltered, to this very day."
Issues Facing the Committee[]
The pipeline’s infrastructure has been neglected to the point that a massive beer spill has been reported in Northern Ontario, near Thunder Bay (see map, Appendix A). Early reports by first responders have estimated that at least 1.3 million kegs have been spilled, although the actual number could be much higher. There are a number of problems to consider, including:
- Damage to the environment. Surprisingly, most plants cannot process alcohol, mainly due to their lack of a liver. This spill has the potential to devastate a significant amount of boreal forest in the area.
- Economic concerns. In addition to the huge cost of cleanup, the spill will drastically reduce Canada’s beer supply and has the potential to run the country’s taps dry. With the weekend quickly approaching, the loss in revenue for Canada’s licensed establishments could be catastrophic for the economy.
- Wildlife Inebriation. Several species of animals have reportedly been drinking the spilled lager. There has been a surge in calls to animal control, with the area’s moose, deer, black bear, fox, rabbit, and beaver populations acting much more boldly and unpredictably than usual.
- National Pride. The Keystone Pipeline was once the pride and joy of Canada, and the envy of the world. This spill has the potential to be an embarrassing gaffe seen around the world on late-night talk shows and internet message boards. The Committee must ensure Canada does not lose its dignity.
- Culpability. Is this the fault of previous governments, the Keystone Corporation, or just an act of God? Do Canadians deserve to know the truth, or do they just need a fall guy?
Outcomes[]
The Committee chose to resolve the issue by engaging in emergency repairs and holding Taylor Brown and the CASE government liable for the damages to the environment.